I’ve been a fan of Alan Alda’s for years so when I saw his book that had nothing to do with acting, I was curious. Turns out there’s more than just a bit of acting in the book too.

Then as often happens, life imitated art and in the last week or so while reading the book, I came across essays opining the lack of civility and communication today, memes like If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, why would you say it on social media? and a family medical situation where one doctor in particular would Just. Not. Listen. (Thankfully the medical situation is resolved, and the patient is on the road to recovery.)

That’s where life and Alda’s book meet, beginning with his story of a dentist who lacked the ability to communicate. Yet it was his work hosting the PBS television show, Scientific American Frontiers, that got him thinking about the delicate art of communicating and how we relate to one another. In interviewing scientists during the show, it was his job to engage the scientist in such a way that non-science-y viewers would understand–maybe even feel–the thrill and excitement of the concepts and discoveries being presented. As Alda writes in his introduction, “Those few minutes I spent in (the dentist’s) chair have become a symbol for me of really, really poor communication and of what causes it: disengagement from the person we hope will understand us. That disengagement can stand in the way of all kinds of happiness and success, from the world of business to the business of love.”

Engaging and re-engaging with others is the theme of If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face? Through anecdotes, longer stories, and with the self-deprecating charm and humor the author often portrays on the screen, Alda shares how he used improv techniques to help scientists unlock their laboratory doors and step out to meet their audiences face-to-face … through the television cameras. The more he worked on that practice, the more curious he became about how we relate to one another in the wider context of everyday relationships and encounters, and wondered if some of the skills attained through improv could carry over to those relationships too.

Not all improv involves dialogue and many of the exercises he used were non-verbal. He cites research and various experiments–some he initiated and some he took part in–illustrating how it’s possible to connect with another on a molecular level through non-verbal activities. It was fascinating reading how biorhythms change when two people are not physically connected yet are still in sync with one another. There really is such a thing as being on the same (brain)wave-length.

One key to that connection is empathy. A simple definition of empathy is the ability to see things from another’s perspective and feel their emotions. It’s not just in feeling another’s pain and suffering, (which I believe we often think of when we hear the word empathy) but also one’s joy, excitement, etc. Some of the experiments involved reading another’s emotions. Alda also teaches improv to students who must communicate to foundations and corporations–those providing grant money for research, equipment, etc.–why their work is important. If they can’t draw empathy from the suits with the money, they lose.

What might we be losing by disengaging from those we hope will understand us (patients, doctors, employees, employers, friends and family)? If the writers of essays and creators of social memes are correct, then can our perceived–or real–lack of civility be connected to a lack of empathy? And if so, what are some steps we can take to nurture it? Alda has a few suggestions … in easily understood down-to-earth laymen’s language. Which is sort of the point of the whole book.

Again, as often happens, quotes and verses pop up at the right time. As I tweaked this post, this quote came across my desk. I’ll leave you with it to ponder until Monday. I hope you have a great weekend!

“Nothing is more important than empathy for another human being’s suffering. Nothing. Not career, not wealth, not intelligence, certainly not status. We have to feel for another if we’re going to survive with dignity.” ~ attributed to Audrey Hepburn